Earlier this year, I had a confrontation with someone who claimed I was entirely at fault. I attempted to defend myself and apologized for my role in the situation, but I also highlighted how I had tried to prevent it initially. At the time, I couldn't present a strong defense because I was stressed and unsettled by the person's aggressive, accusatory approach.
The next day, once I had settled down, I began to think about the situation. I realized where I could have behaved differently and considered how I might have acted if I were in the other person's position.
This led me to question why they didn't act as I would have, which could have avoided the conflict. This person chose not to take the preventive measures I would have taken, and then accused me of being wrong.
I tend to reflect on how I handle situations. I wonder why others don't think or behave the same way I do. I recognise this is because their life experiences are different from mine.
This situation reminded me that I don't handle confrontation well. I find it very difficult to defend myself.
I can spend hours, even days, reflecting on what I could have said or should have said. I think about how I could present my case and persuade them to see my perspective. However, I doubt they would understand or give me the benefit of the doubt, so I remain silent and never set the record straight.
This traces back to my childhood. If I supposedly did something wrong (I can never remember what it was), I would be disciplined according to the standards of the time.
I was spanked.
I was sent to my room to wait for a parent to return with a flip flop, to be spanked on my bare bottom, each strike punctuated with "Don’t. You. Ever. Do. That (whatever it was). Again."
I was a child, under seven years old when this occurred. A crucial period in brain development.
In ‘What Happened to You?’ Oprah Winfrey shared her experience of being spanked. Although it was more severe than mine, our childhood minds reacted similarly. She quoted a black comedian who once said, “the longest walk is to get your own switch.” For me, the longest wait was for my parent to come back, aware of the pain that awaited me. I would be in tears, hoping my distress would make them go easy on me.
This stopped as I grew older, but I can recall moments in my teens when I stood, paralyzed with fear, watching my parent angrily scold me for whatever I had done wrong this time.
If I attempted to justify or explain myself, I would never "win." I was brought up to respect my elders, which implied that it was unacceptable to speak back to any authority figures: parents, teachers, police, clergy. As a result, I found it almost impossible to assert myself when talking to partners or friends, never mind others in public.
Consequences
Due to their size, children might not feel capable of fighting or fleeing, leading them to be more likely to freeze or fawn. Regardless of whether they face subtle negative experiences or severe continuous abuse, if they lack the opportunity to discuss their experiences with a safe, trusted adult, their Autonomic Nervous System will store this unprocessed trauma in their body.
And it will show up in adulthood.
It can manifest as anxiety disorders, depression, dissociative episodes, low self-esteem, anger, and hypervigilance, impacting their capacity to function, live fulfilling lives, and maintain loving relationships.
I acknowledge that I wasn't subjected to daily beatings, neglect, abuse, or verbal attacks. I am thankful that my parents did their best, although they did make mistakes. My experience shows that the brain responds to perceived threats regardless of their severity.
Fortunately, I was drawn to nurturing and healing roles, initially as a doula and childbirth educator, and later incorporating massage and complementary therapies. Each of these required experiential learning and I consistently engage in ongoing professional development. This means I've working on my own personal healing journey.
Healing
As an adult, I used to say, "Spanking? Never did me any harm." However, after learning about developmental trauma through courses, extensive reading, and attending conferences, I now understand the damage it caused.
Since adding QEC (Quantum Energy Coaching) to my qualifications, I have experienced significant healing. I no longer bite my nails, Imposter Syndrome doesn't weigh me down, a lifetime's poor body image has gone, and I feel more assertive and confident.
Processing a lifetime of experiences takes time; there's no quick solution. However, QEC is more efficient, requiring fewer sessions than traditional treatments.
So... “Spanking? Never did me any harm” ??
Yeah, right! (Heavy sarcastic tone)
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